


Patronus

by writer0895



Series: Jily Drabbles and One Shots [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 16:41:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14476866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writer0895/pseuds/writer0895
Summary: This was written back in 2015 but I've only recently gotten around to importing stuff from FF.net and brushing off the cobwebs.





	Patronus

_Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up. - James Baldwin_

_or_

_Love, love me do._  
You know I love you,  
I'll always be true,  
So please, love me do.- The Beatles

The relative silence in your ears is suddenly filled with the buzzing of students as you enter the Great Hall for breakfast. You ignore it, just like you ignore the urge your palm has to draw out your wand and hex somebody. You walk in silence towards the Gryffindor table, a frown etched on your face. Your friends trail behind you, sharing glances that you can't see but your shoulder blades feel them. You ignore your friends, just like you have been ignoring everything else since the last night. You wish you could just ignore what happened last night, but you can't. She has always been like that- impossible to ignore and that kiss... A frustrated groan escapes your mouth, your hands finding themselves making their way to your hair. You aren't surprised to find her missing from breakfast. She was avoiding you, naturally. You can't comprehend the workings of her mind. You tug your hair once more before spooning your porridge. You feel Peter turning towards you, undoubtedly to ask you about her. He never had much tact anyway; Remus would probably have tried a more subtle approach. But then, just as you spot Peter's mouth opening, you notice he glances towards Sirius, closes his mouth and reaches for a piece of bacon. You are pissed, an irrational anger surging through your veins. You scowl at your porridge as you get up hastily. You are halfway out of the hall when you notice your friends aren't following you and you are glad for that. You need to be alone. And besides, Sirius wouldn't miss his breakfast for hell.

Just as you exit the Great Hall, you spot her friends, Marlene, Hestia and Alice making their way down, laughing slightly over something Marlene said. You only realize your feet have planted themselves in their way when they look at you questioningly. "Ermm…," You run your hands through your hair when you realize that they are waiting for you to speak. "Have you guys seen Lily?" You struggle to maintain a neutral expression but from the wry smile Alice gives you, you know you have failed. "Hospital wing, she's down with something," Marlene replies, an amused look on her face. A sigh leaves your lips as you thank them. Despite your firm stance to not give in to temptation, you find yourself outside the hospital wing, running down the floor with your incessant pacing unable to decide- to go in or not. Finally, you decide to feign a headache and enter the wing only to find it empty. Madam Pomfrey isn't there and neither is Lily. Annoyance grips your bones as you walk towards Defense; you barely make it in time. You decide right then, standing next to Sirius who is getting Remus to review his homework, that you are done. You are not going to chase after Lily Evans anymore. The pang in your heart tells you it is going to be difficult but dang it all, you are James Potter and you will be damned if you apologize to that minx of a girl for something that isn't your fault. You didn't initiate the kiss; you were perfectly fine patrolling the castle-like usual. And you weren't the one to run away moments after, muttering a quick apology. The only thing you could be faulted for was not running after her but you have done enough of that in your years of experience. A wry grin spills on your face but doesn't last long. The door opens at last and your fellow N.E.W.T students file in beside you.

PATRONUS

Written in the neat loopy handwriting of Professor Bertram, the word occupies the top of the board followed by more details on the topic. You sit behind with your friends, tuning out as your professor rambles about the topic. Remus takes notes, detailed ones no doubt and Sirius doodles on his parchment. Peter had dropped the subject after your sixth year at Hogwarts, and a good thing too for he is sloppy with the subject and Professor Bertram is all thorough and perfect. Without your permission, your mind leaps to her and how absolutely perfect she is with her work. You are enthralled, wondering how she manages to make time, despite her various other engagements. You close your eyes, worried about how quickly (and so easily) your mind manages to slip to her. The back of your eyelids are red, the exact shade of her hair and you groan, leaning your head on the desk. Somewhere, in the back of your mind, you register that Professor Bertram has declared that the class should practice the spell but you can't find yourself to care. Still, you feel Sirius burning holes in your slump figure through his eyes and you straighten up but do not look at him. The room is filled wisps of white vapour and excitement. You roll your eyes and take out a piece of parchment, taking notes because you can't recall a single happy memory and you know very well that your patronus won't take place, not with your mind messed up and unfocused, all thanks to that green-eyed witch. Professor Bertram makes her way around the classroom and stops at your desk. Before she can say anything however, Sirius speaks to her.

"He isn't ready to perform a patronus, professor." He lies for you. "His parents are Aurors and he is worried, you know, professor, with everything that is happening and…" he trails off, a hopeful expression on his face. Professor Bertram remains unconvinced, however, because she approaches you and places a gentle hand on your shoulder in what she assumes to be a comforting gesture. "Everything that is happening is all the more reason for you to be able to perform a patronus, Mr Potter." She then asks you to get up (like you have any choice in the matter) and perform the spell. She can't seem to get through her thick skull that you can't bring yourself to conjure a happy memory for her fucking class.

You stand up nonetheless and draw your wand. Sirius gives you thumbs up, and mouths 'good luck' and you can't somehow bring yourself to be mad at him. He did try his best and he didn't even know the matter in its entirety. As far as mates go, you decide he is pretty damn great. He didn't know about the kiss. You close your eyes once again, deciding to even if for a moment, just forget her and finish the bloody ponce of the assignment. But once your eyes are shut, you can't seem to forget her. It was though she is inside of you, her laughter running through your veins, the red of her hair shining on the back of your lids once again. Her green green eyes sparkle with mischief and your heart beats with the same odd frequency as that of the position of the freckles across her nose. Merlin, the girl was eating you inside out. If love was a battle, she was conquering you.

You speak the words 'Expecto Patronum' and a few wisps shoot from your wand. Professor Bertram nods her head and asks you to try again. After four such attempts, when you have taken to ignoring her speak yet again about your wrist movements, you let your mind wander off. You can feel her tongue darting on your lips, her fingertips brushing the nape of your neck. Your fingers curl near her waist unconsciously and you wait but she never moves away. You snap back to attention, a flush spreading through your cheeks when you realize that you have been fantasizing through your professor's suggestions. Nodding absently, you cast the spell one more time, your heart still set on Lily. Lily Evans and her kisses and how her tiny beautiful ink-stained hands fit perfectly in your calloused ones.

And this time, by some miracle, it works. A Stag stumbles from the tip of your wand, galloping around the room showing off. The room stills as eyes follow the antlers and land on you as the animal comes to a standstill before you, almost waiting. Professor Bertram congratulates you, awarding 10 points to the Gryffindor as the class claps in awe. The deer bents its head slightly, as though taking a bow. It is magnificent really but you don't feel like that. You don't feel strong or confident or anything of that sort. The closest you came to feeling like that in a very long time was…last night, walking beside Lily and watching as she chortled in laughter at the dirty joke you just told her. You suck in a deep breath as you stuff your books back into your bag and strode out the door. Professor Bertram has given you permission to leave while the others practice and you know exactly what to do with your time. Because a single memory of Lily Evans has left you with the potential to cast a corporeal patronus because you may not be happy but Lily Evans is your happy place. And as much as her moving away kills you, her lips on yours make you happy. And you admit, you are done begging, pleading and chasing after Lily Evans but heaven knows you are never going to be done with Lily Evans.

You find her later sitting in the Gryffindor common room as you go to fetch the Marauder's map with a handkerchief next to her, her nose a bright red. She smiles wryly at you and beckons you over. You obey, glad, so so glad that she made the first move.

"I hope you didn't catch the flu because of my mad hormones." She says in a way of greeting and a burst of laughter rips from your abdomen, the defined irises of your hazel eyes melting away in a pool of honey.

"Why did you run away last night?" you ask, even though you aren't sure if you want to know the answer.

She rolls her eyes, the smile not slipping off her face. "I felt nauseous. Apparently, this flu had a long time coming. I was just going to leave to catch you after Defense; I would've explained earlier but Marlene forbid me to leave the bed, save to go to the hospital wing."

A breath you hadn't realized you were holding escaped and relief settled on your shoulders, allowing them to slump.

"You could've sent a message, you know. Would've saved me a whole bunch of worrying." You reply, unable to keep the slight accusation out of your tone despite the grin stretching on your face.

"I know it's a flimsy excuse at its best but I wanted to you talk to you myself, see where we stand."

"I think it's rather clear where we stand." You reply, leaning forward to kiss her but she pushes you away.

"Flu." She speaks, her single worded sentence self-explanatory. She watches you, her emerald green eyes gauging your reaction before adding, almost like letting you in on a secret- "I also needed to sort everything out in my head."

You nod smiling and sit beside her, talking and occasionally holding hands (but she lets go all the time to claim her handkerchief once again).

**Author's Note:**

> This was written back in 2015 but I've only recently gotten around to importing stuff from FF.net and brushing off the cobwebs.


End file.
